A Dawn

Tears flowing.
Eyes hurting.
Nose plugged up.

Wailing inside, and them on the outside.
Coming to the realization of something I had never thought of before.

I want to be loved.
I want to be missed.
I want a love from others that I have only found in my spouse.

I want friends that want to be more than just acquaintances.
People that want to be intricately woven into our lives.
People that would give their lives for us (and us for theirs).
I want relationships that are deeply meaningful and relationships that last.

I strive to meet these people that are a lot like us.
People that won't get bored at our "normal-ness" and puzzled by our "eccentricities".

People that are just like me and him, that just want simple things in life.

Not money.
Not mansions.
Just normal.

---------

(I think they all moved to Oregon......)

;)
~B

The Power of a Parent

I need to start off this post with a disclaimer, just to let everyone know how very, very much I love my parents. I adore them, I love them and would give my life for them in an instant, but right now, I feel like that little 8 year old girl that constantly gets on my father's nerves.

I feel like hiding and crying and not seeing him for a little while.

How can I be 36 years old and still feel this way right now? How can a time warp happen so suddenly in a matter of a few minutes?

And why is it that I am sitting here crying about it when I should just handle it like an adult and blow it off?

I went there to do some work stuff.... I now have a very small, one day a week job and I have to use their phone line to "transmit" information from this job (we have only cell phones--no land lines in this house).

So, I guess I went there at the wrong time. I got on his nerves and he let me know it. Over and over again.

I was trying to be invisible like I used to do. But their phone line is in the kitchen and they were eating supper......

I'll spare the details, it's just average every day stuff that no one really wants to hear about, but I needed to vent.

The bad part is.... I have to go back in a little while and make sure the transmitting thing worked....

~B

So true, so true

"The things that will destroy America are
prosperity-at-any-price,
peace-at-any-price,
safety-first instead of duty-first,
the love of soft living
and
the get-rich-quick theory of life.”

Theodore Roosevelt

Like a Skin

Like a Skin by Sara Groves

"The butterfly can just look back
flap those wings and say "Oh, yeah,
I never have to be a worm again."
The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he's been and moves on.

I am longing for something tangible.
Some kind of proof that there's been a change in me.
Feels like I have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt.

Come on, New Man, where've you been?
Help me wriggle from this self I'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground."

I have risen the past two mornings with this very meaningful song in my head, and it is nearly impossible to stop thinking about how much it means to me. It is as if the song-writer down-loaded these lyrics directly off of my brain and put it to song.

I have been down the past two weeks, just off-kilter, not feeling normal and hardly any mental or physical energy. I exist and I talk and think and at times, laugh, but deep within me, I am very, very low.

And, to tell you the truth, the times when I come to post on this secret little blog are usually the times when I am at my lowest.

What is it that I long for? What is it that I am hoping to achieve by sitting here typing this little post? Who knows? :)

I want to be who I know I am needing to be.

I beg God to allow me to become what he wants me to become.... but I am impatient. I want instant results, I don't want to wait. I want to be an incredible soldier for Christ, but I feel I come up so short every time.

I want to be Corrie Ten Boom with her incredible faith and steadfast love and forgiveness. I want to be Chip Ingram,-- well spoken and strong, telling others about Christ in such a way that people find it hard to argue. I want to be Ravi Zecharias, opening my mouth and have apologetics fall out--so wise--so amazing. Darlene Diebler Rose, Michael Pearl, C.S.Lewis, Chuck Swindoll, Elizabeth Elliot, James Dobson, ... all of these people--so wise, so immensely able to tell about how Christ wants us to live.

They are not perfect, but they are so wise.

Do they struggle like me? Is God helping me metamorphasize into something new? Do I have any impact with my broken self? It would seem to me, that it's just not possible.

When I pray, I often picture myself on a battle-field. I am worn and mortally wounded, I am about to take my last breath and I cry out to Christ. He comes and stands over me and holds up his sword and protects me from this:
That is a picture of my own sins, my own struggles that seem to nail me to the ground. The picture is vivid and I remain alive and untouched with my Christ standing over me. Christ and I communicate, and He understands and helps.

Although He is standing over me, I still have days like this (or weeks), where all I can do is lay here on this battle-field and wait while the war for my soul continues. I will be fine, with Him standing over me, but my human-ness struggles so much.

"I am longing for something tangible.
Some kind of proof that there's been a change in me.

Feels like I have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.

Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt.

Come on, New Man, where've you been?
Help me wriggle from this self I'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground."

~B

Just My Two Cents

"For the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. From the time the world was created, people have SEEN the earth and sky and all that God made. They can CLEARLY see his invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God." Romans 1:18-20

Projected Anger Ahead

To Whom it May Concern:

When I came up with the idea to get people interested in getting our church a power point projector, I had NO idea that everyone would get their undies in such a bind.

I talked to the treasurer and asked her if there were any steps that we needed to take in order to start raising funds for the projector, she told me, no-that the people that wanted to start the fund could just donate it into the general fund and designate it for this.

The people that did end up donating to this fund, were excited, to say the least. We thought about other churches and how they used their projectors and how cool it would be if our church could use one too.

Just think: we can let the pastor use it to enhance his sermons sometimes. We could use it to air certain videos or to do a slideshow at different venues. We could even STOP borrowing projectors from that other little tiny church in another town and instead use our OWN. Imagine that.

Last night at the meeting, I was SHOCKED at how stupid and tense people can be about things like this.

I know, I know... people don't always agree on things. I know, I know, there will always be disputes and all that--but over this? THE MONEY WAS ALREADY DONATED.

Can you read that people? The participants that donated this money, didn't stop tithing, they gave above and beyond their tithe so that this could be made possible-- they still donate their time to church and they are not just sitting there thinking how wonderful they are. THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

So, I will write out my ANGER on this blog and I will keep my real feelings from YOU because I am thinking that people are pretty stupid right now.

HOW WILL OUR CHURCH GROW IF WE DON'T KEEP ON GROWING.

As far as I'm concerned, you can take the projector and shove it--it was supposed to be a gift.

B

Until We Meet Again

Yesterday evening, as I sat down to check my e-mails, I saw that I had received one that was from my home-school group that said: "Prayer Needed". I opened it and read with horror:

"Please pray for the ----- Family, Their daughter -----, died yesterday in a car accident. She was doing mission work in Africa."

This family lost their 19 year old daughter to a car accident in Africa..... They had just gone to visit her a few weeks ago--a time that I am sure they will forever cherish.

This family had adopted four children from Guatemala a year or so ago--at this daughter's urging.

This family has five other biological children--now four.

How does this family wake up today and cope with the reality that their beautiful, Christ-loving daughter is gone.

Last summer, near the end of it, this girl and her friend came to our house and my husband helped them load in onto the back of their pick-up. It was for her family--the family that doesn't have her anymore now.

This girl, who was passionately dedicated to Christ, lived her live in Africa for the past few months, teaching others about salvation and freedom in Christ. She was to come home in May or June.

This girl is now at the feet of Jesus. She is in His presence.

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all.

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You."

This family's faith will get them through. The prayers from their friends and family will be incense to God and he will hear our desperate cries of help for them.

This family will make it. They will. They have to.

Only through Christ who strengthens me.

The focus has to be on Christ, how else will they make it?

~B